Flaming Bikes of Deth!

Yes, we are quite prepared for the imminent day when Armageddon will cleanse the world with the nuclear fires of Hell! Those times will be a bit rough, but the heavenly days which will replace them will make living through the tribulation worth it.

Be ye ready! Lots of stuff that was previously considered inflammable will spontaneously combust, including the ground, air, bicycles, and your precious flesh. Whoever gains experience with being on fire now will be able to relax in the toasty warm future.

After the Apocalypse, high radiation counts mean less hair to singe, except for Klöven Hööf, who secretes so much testosterone that it grows faster than it can fall out.

It's easier to be on fire while you're moving, and that's where we start with our training. We stuff newspapers in our baskets, add as many assorted fireworks and smoke bombs as we dare, and splash on some kerosene if it happens to be available. Once the fuel is lit, body parts and tires must remain in motion until it is spent, to avoid cooking any one part for too long.

John Krack, a.k.a. the Human Firekracker, is our chief pyrotechnician. His favorite ride, the Event Horizon, is a mass of burnt paint, melted duct tape, and spent fireworks. Every few months he finds some new cargo module to attach and fill with burning material and ordnance. His bike is heavy as shit, what with all of that mass bolted or crusted on, so he's started dragging trailers and lighting them on fire, too.

Really, though, that's nothing. If you're riding on the shores of the Lake of Fire, you won't want that red-hot saddle searing your tender taint. That's why Shewchuk and Butterboy know how to bike-surf. Look out for that high-gravity zone!

photo by Dug Song.

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Last modified 30 July.