While we welcome tales of bravery on dangerous vehicles, it must be said that we don't necessarily believe anything that we read without evidence. To illustrate:
From: Pete Donaldson <peterd@switchtech.net>Hey man,my name is Smooth Pete People call me Pete. Iam sending you a picture of my chopper.I also have a chopper gang.
From: Pete Donaldson <peterd@switchtech.net>Hey Man,That last letter Isent you I said:I was in a gang,I don`t have a gang yet.Iam still working on my chopper.It`s almost put togeather, It`ll be ready by the end of spring.....
We have been doing this for a couple years. Last summer we garbage picked 30 or 40 bikes in about three months. We broke many hack saw blades which led us to pick up a Sawzall to do some heavy work with. As far as tall bikes are concerned-did I mention the Tandem-monoium. We managed to pick up a Huffy Tandem. Our friend Jeff pioneered, for us at least, the definitive tall bike. With extra long wheel base already established we went to work extending the forks using a combination of the Orb and Gazelle fork methodology. (Not a good idea) We should have used BMX-Extendo. We ended up using 4-26" donor forks reversing every other pair, sacrificing safety for height. When all was said and done with hose clamps and metal zip ties in place we carried it out of the garage on its side (due to extreme height). It became apparent we could not ride it like normal. There was just no way to get on the thing and balance long enough to pedal. Solution: Loosen front pair of Ape Hanger handle bars to make them reachable from the rear seat. Get on rear seat and go-at speed climb over rear set of bars to the lofty front seat or at this point the top seat. Head height: approx. 12 feet. Stopping: Each pilot was on their own. Stopping near other tall objects proved to be the most successful. The falling/jump/ejection method worked but took its toll on the unstable vehicle.
i once built a chopper based on a teeny-weeny kid's bike (picture a bmx bike for a two year old). I put some extended forks on an elbow bent to about 80 degrees, and a foot long seat post. The result was great, but it put the banana seat right above the rear axle. ok, it put it a little behind, so i had serious wheelie problems unless i hunched way over. Determined to make it work, i nutted some extendos onto the front axle and had my roomate sort of squat over the front wheel and hold on to the handlebars facing me. It worked GREAT. visibility was a little impaired however, and after an incredibly successful test ride which ended a little badly, i was on my own. When i moved the seat forward, the forks broke. that was three years ago.
do you have C.H.U.N.K.666 jacket patches for sale?
Why, yes we do! Acquire a length of duct tape. Write "C.H.U.N.K. 666" upon it. Stick to jacket. Send us $20.
From: Douglas Song <dugsong@monkey.org>
I've been cannibalizing parts from abandoned bikes here, too. Ann Arbor makes it real easy -- the grounds crew come around and tag abandoned bikes with these impound stickers, and if people don't claim them in 6 months - a year, they slap yellow stickers on them for city pickup. You can just go cruising looking for yellow tagged bikes, and there are some real beauties, some old Schwinn tigers and stuff. What I need is a heli-arc welder so I can *really* hurt myself on a Frankenstein road monster. Did Greg show you the picture of our stunt bike? We setup a devilish little low rider and jumped it thru an 8 foot ring of fire, it was something to see...
(After Joergen sent me detailed specs of his club's machine,
we was amazed at the cushiness of its seat)
> 70 mm! Guess you don't have many cases of chopper crotch.
Well. Last weekend i rode about 30 km, which gave me a mild
case of chopper crotch.
From: Dogman <gutierrezc@nicanor.acu.edu>
What a fucking waste of time! your page sux be more productive, Get a Life at least people fixing lowrider bikes have something to show for! not some low grade peice of shit home page like this!
From: Daniel Conderman <dconderm@tcs.itis.com>
I am sooo happy to find that there are other people like us out there. Me and a roommate of mine call them SHIT BIKES though... We ride every night between 10 and 1a.m. All of my other roommates ask us "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU DO THAT?" We just reply with, to pick up chicks!
From: Justin Callaway <psu07223@odin.cc.pdx.edu>
As you have probably heard through the grapevine Al Kuniferous has been laid off; hence he will be forced to dedicate all of his (spare) time to the production of CHOPPERS. Now that is not enough to guarantee 40 CHOPPERS; however, recently our good friend Alberto took me to heaven on earth. We have found our great CHUNKMASTER and if we offer him the proper offerings (cash money) he will provide the sweetest morsels to produce the cherriest choppers possible from his mountainous CHUNK stash of say ~1500. Not only is our CHUNKMASTER the keeper of the mother lode he has also survived the third world war and as a result has a huge nose tumor which makes it difficult to look him in the eye when bargaining-- one of his special powers to keep all in a subservient position.
From: Larry Carey <LARRYCA@DWIGHTS.COM>
Hello and good day.
On obtaining the declassified 666 documents (WWW) I reprinted and delivered them to my cohort, TD. He then related to me the extent of his own experience in designing and assembling choppers out of found/recycled materials, which I tell you is formidable. Further, he was able to produce a fully functional chopper utilizing a methodology of his own design, using materials at hand, within a time span of less than four hours. Impressive, no?
TD and I were very impressed with your literature, Chunk. It came much as a wake up call to rouse our tired skulls. We realized instantly that we must join the resistance from our lowly outpost here on the third coast. As of the drafting of this letter, we have one working chopper (see below), one in production (which I expect to be done by this afternoon), and many several lined up, as we have very many damaged men and bicycles to be put to the task, which we believe is a noble one. These developments are like a Texas thunderhead that pops up unexpectedly and blows your trailer away with no warning. That is, we will have at least two working choppers within thirty-six hours of first reading your material.
We will now relate the still-secret technology which produced the first true Ft. Worth (non-low rider) chopper fork, employed by the first known Ft.Worth area chopper, the SLING-THING. It has performed beautifully, and has a simplicity which we think you will appreciate.
Essentially it works like this: Chop the forks as usual, leaving the remaining fork legs about five inches long (cut them off where they start to curve forward, the longer the stronger). The secret technology is this: JcPenny/Sears/??? lawn furniture, specifically in this case a stand alone hammock. You simply cut two lengths of the aluminum tubing that this stuff is made out of. You know the kind with the indented holes in it. The hammock frame afforded two lengths of almost four feet each. And you use them for your extensions. TD hammered them in to position, drilled and bolted them in to place (no welding). This aluminum tubing has flat ends with a hole already in them from when it was a pre-fab hammock (or whatever). This is a ready made dropout. The indented holes in this type of tubing may have potential for accessorizing purposes. It seems very stable and seems to have substantial CHUNKosity, as it utilizes easily obtainable materials in its construction, accurately simulates the effects of alcohol and/or barbiturate usage, and receives assorted looks of fear and repulsion from the pinkish Mediocretans which surround us. Lawn furniture is very available and easily tailored to this application. The Sling-Thing sluices forth with its proud motto emblazoned on the top tube: Fuck Yer Car.
We hope that this info proves useful.
TD has requested information on the CHUNK singles scene. Please forward.
At first, one becomes bestial, grunting and sniffing bicycle seats and so on. Once chopper crotch sets in, one's genitals will be a pus-oozing mass of putrefaction. At this point one must keep on chopping until one devolves enough to reproduce asexually.
Thank you for your attention. Long live the chopper.
End of transmission. Go to LUNA23:
From: satori <satori@bitstream.net>
what is up with tall bikes? my boys say they are the only tall bike club anywhere and that minneapolis is the tall bike capital of the universe.
Don't know about the capital of the universe stuff, altho noted bike scientists Frank Rowland Whitt & David Gordon Wilson claim that the taller the bike, the better for icy roads. So maybe. Actually, not a chance. Low-gravity planets, or planets covered with shallow water, are surely more likely as tall-bike capitals of the universe.
But as to the only tall bike club anywhere, nonsense. Tall bikes have been around since the 1890s.
got a breakthrough in the hunt for the wild mustangs of austin--spoke with a friend who knows them. says they're really weird; lots of cruisers with trailers, one nut riding around on a motorcycle with engine removed and crankarms installed plus street moto gearing so once he gets the 200 pound thing rolling he hits speeds of 40mph. gang is also rumored to carry around soda bottles filled with incredible-strength acid solvent for street-stripping of found metals.
It was with joy that I discovered the true history of Trike Lady, that mystical figure who haunts the byways of the sacred city. She once spoke to me and told me she liked a poem I had written on my jacket:
dreams dwell within the eternal
and to drink of them
is to quench the thirst of mortality.
yet beware,
for to become drunk upon them
is to let life slip away untended.
that is one of the coolest things that i've ever seen. it's just plain rad. this girl at my work thought that it was dumb and i yelled at her and asked her what accomplishments or ideas she has to show for and she shut up.
Me and my friend are trying to build up a fleet but no one here is cool enough to join us, we have 4 rides so far so just the 2 of us have to switch around for something to do. Oh yeah I wanted to say one more thing, it's about the letter that one guy wrote saying that choppers are a waist of time and lowriders are so awesome. That guy sucks, Im sick of all these rich preppy's that think they can buy whatever just to be cool, the bikes we ride aren't to be cool, or to brag about how much we paid for, they are to screw our backs up, kill ours buts and have some fun doin it, if someone looks ur way while ur doing it because ur bike look messed up or makeshift compared to all the other thousand dollar bikes out there then all the better.
If you say you are preparing for times of tribulation, why aren't you paricipating is some anarchy? And what's with the bikes? Do you guys really stand for anything, or are you just having fun with the letters you're recieving from your cool web page?
Uh, what?
spent the winter in madison with my roommate building some bikes. the first was a crappy gazelle fork (just hammered on) girls huffy ten speed with a scooter front wheel and head tube/neck.(bike is called the huffy nightmare as it was originally a huffy sweet dreams) number two is a bmx rendition of a highwheeler: that is to say a twenty seven inch front fork and wheel, apehanger handlebars, bmx frame with a bent bmx seat post turned so the bend put the seat forward instead of back, and a sixteen inch barbie wheel that was gutted, a three speed internal hub installed, and then respoked.(bike is called the praymantis due to its insect like appearance)
this brings me to my problem with number 3 (the peddle-file named so because of the filing done on the forks with a hand file and because the chain ring is oversized and is rubbing on the rear triangle- in effect filing the metal with each peddle). anyway we tried just cramming the extended forks together ala gazelle style without welds or anything. the materials used was a regular bmx fork and two lengths of eighteen inch galvanized steel pipes with grooved screw on, slightly tapered, ends. the ends of these pipes were filed to fit into the cut bmx forks snuggly. about an inch and a half fit inside, although the amount of pipe that was touching the inside of the fork was less; filed down a little too much. hammering down one side during the final assembly would invariably loosen the other side of the extended fork due to vibrations. to get more pipe inside the fork to combat the loosening effect of hammering in addition to greater structural stability we put the galvanized pipes in the freezer overnight and, when the time was right, heated the forks to 500 degrees in the oven. it was a lame attempt at utilizing the laws of thermal expansion that ultimately failed, as on the test ride i hit a pothole and found myself without any front forks. so i guess i really need to use a weld. my friend is an art student with access to an arc welder. this is where my question arises. IS IT "SAFE" TO USE AN ARCWELDER ON THE FORKS AND HOW MUCH PIPE SHOULD BE SLEEVED INSIDE THE FORK TO INSURE SOME STABILITY?
We could tell you that a lap weld is pretty strong, so if you have a feel for arc-welding thin mild steel you'll do fine, but that would be a disservice. Learn how to weld and practice, and test your joins, and you'll know what to trust.
Hey man,
I'm a 42 year old 1970s ex motocrosser. My 11 year old kid said the other day he wanted a chopper. I remembered my old Schwin Stingray that I chopped in the late 60s. So I took his BMX and chopped it 36 inches. Man the local kids are goin nuts over the bike. Of course theres always the few dick weeds who say "Thats really stupid man". Well screw em. Choppers LIVE!!!!!!
(We expressed worry about his son; doesn't every kid need a BMX bike to do bunny hops on?)
Bunny hop, bunny schmop. Besides it was his old BMX. He has another for hoppin. Besides what was I supposed to do? There wasn't a sting ray in sight. So I made do. I am a bit of a mechanical artist and if I do say so, the bike came out lookin pretty damn sharp. Ha, all the other dads are pissed cause now their kids want them to chop their bikes. Those bozos could'nt chop carrots let alone a bike. Bottom line: My kid has the coolest bike in town, cause his dad never forgot his miss spent youth!
my freinds and I are also into unique creations.we dont ride choppers per say but have and are trying to create harleyesque bikes .we stretched beach cruisers which also made them lower.we put scwinn badges on the front as well as springer forks whitewalls and fresh paint.results cruisers that cause major "hawking".I like your concept and imagination and even your mission statement,but would however point out that 777 would be a better number to follow your name.because the fellow with that number along with his coherts will find eternal damnation.I am sure that it is with many in this "jilted" generation to provoke some kind of shock value.your outlandish rides provoke that enough on there own.KEEP ON A WELDIN AND GOD BLESS!!!
Um, whatever. You Xtians sure do know it all, and since you are sure that we do what we do merely for shock value, we won't bother trying to educate anyone who feels unable to be educated any farther. However, let it be said that the Devil is responsible for the evolution of all of the biological forms on this planet, just as the Devil weeds out the weaker of our bikes as well.
if i've ever seen a bunch of stupid, misguided losers...it is you! you can ride your bikes intill doomsday, but when you stand before JESUS ., you can ride alright......straight to hell. as for the children you are supposingly mistreating, if i ever see you...i will shove your banana seats up your satanistic asses. now you have been warned!!
The Psychic Research Agency
Our agents have reason to believe that you may be suffering from temporary instances of spiritual possession at the whim of a secret society of lost souls known as The Purple.
The Society is primarily concerned with the: "resurrection of the earth's great cities as centers of memory". The persons they possess often refer to "infrastructure enhancements and modifications" which they believe will benefit the planet at large. Commonly cited are various techniques of physically changing the urban environment to facilitate its interaction with human beings "instead of the dominant machines".
Agency historical consultants have recognized some relation in the character of the organization to the customs and rhetoric of the late 19th century civic improvement societies of North America but they believe that time travelers and other supernatural and alien elements may be involved as well.
One of the entities has been observed to operate in your area for some time now and is known to be extremely dangerous. The being operates under the alias of "Megulon-5". It's origin is unknown but it possesses and habitually perpetuates velomorgifying destructosis technologies that readily subvert standard street control patterns.
Please be advised and take cautionary measures. In cases of suspect possession contact the above address.
Sincerely,
Agent 32 Portland Bureau: Fred McNinny
Dear Sir,
It was with some considerable disgust that I stumbled upon your so called web page. As a keen aficionado of the velocipede I was appalled to the see the carnage inflicted upon a few bicycles. The very idea of cannibalizing the sacred triangle configuration is anathema to me and all sensitive cyclists. Our stress perfect triangle has been with us since the last century when, of course, an Englishman first concocted this sublimely beautiful shape. Reading of lengthened forks and banana seats tickled an area of sensitivity in me that I haven't felt since I was an experimental adolescent. Try not to take my purist attitude as a snobbish "dis" of your "art", why even I, as a troubled young man, had a friend who owned a raleigh chopper. These where indeed dark days for me, however now I own a largely sensible Trek mountain bike, with fat rubber tyres. I love my Trek, but to torment her sensitive carbon tubing with the rigors of the so called "wheelie", is something that I could never consider.
I must confess to having a particular fondness for the 1890's safeties. These are of course the quintessential triangle frames. The wheels of these old bikes where also true and pure in a way seldom found today, none of your different sizes and white or dirty tyres. I wonder how the Wright Brothers would have regarded the bicycle designs that you so openly flaunt, I'm certain they would be flying in their graves if they knew.
Anyway enough chit chat, good luck, seek help.
Yours Truly etc. etc.
Slydel. Founder of The True Wheel And Triangle Society. (TTWATS)
Hi, my name is Jack Bent. I am a senior at Bishop Kelley High School in Tulsa Oklahoma. That much is incidental. My whole reason for being a high school student is so that I can provide guidance to the Earth Club through my Pro- Eco-Terrorism Campaign. Prior to my realization that I could enjoy the feeling of burning plants in my lungs while earning required service hours by joining the politically correct, yet politically stagnant Earth Club, their activities consisted mostly of feeding the criminalized species at the animal impound and display chamber. Along I came and introduced them to the wonderful world of aggressive conservation. Every Wednesday, 30 marginally intoxicated high school students ride their bicycles to school and back. Upon arriving at school, those more advanced in the art of bicycle stuntery will perform "paint checks" on the automobiles of those insensitive to the needs of bikes. This procedure consists of "grinding" metal pegs attached to the axle across the front or rear bumper of the spoiled brats' Saturn. This is necessary to see if a new paint job is needed. If this procedure is executed correctly, then analysis will reveal that new paint is indeed needed.
Also, my school fails to provide adequate retention devices, so we are forced to leave our vehicles in the marked spaces in the parking lot, forcing less self-reliant sheep to park off of school property risking their stereos. The administration has voiced their displeasure in this practice, so we retaliated by bringing our bikes into the building and into every class, Mary had a little lamb style.
Happily, I report that this movement has spread to several other high schools through my variable social propaganda project. Motorists have stared to plan for our Wednesday morning rides by leaving early, or sleeping late. Either way, this causes them to vary the redundancies of their mundane lives, frustrating them and making them unproductive in their cubicles.
For a while, some of us decided to only patronize those bars classy enough to give us indoor bike parking, but we turned out to be too weak to keep it up.
I wouldn't say i'm a yuppie, not a bit, but i have a nice cannondale. You know what? i make 8.50 an hour in a sweatshop and mowed a LOT of lawns for that bike. So when someone looks at me like a rich snobby yuppie and says something hateful, I say, you have no idea, bro!
And at least it works! bUt your talbikes and odd monstrosities are pretty cool. To each his own, as long as you leave everybody elses alone.
Mike dallas
You brought back a lot of memories.....days when the folks would yell out things like "Get back here! You're not leaving the driveway on that thing! It's unsafe!" Okay, I was a wimp at first....I'd grudgingly comply and head back to the garage, hammer off the extensions and slyly sneak them into my socks under my old bell bottom jeans, stick a large "crescent" adjustable wrench (usable as a hammer, too) into my back pocket and ride innocently out of the driveway....only to stop just out of sight and hammer them back on, bolt up the wheel and go!
[After hearing our claim to be the last Critical Mass ride of 1999 (see the Y2K ride), Car Busters promised a big kiss from the editorial collective for whoever really was the last]
We have received a report that one branch of San Francisco Critical Mass was still on the road at midnight. Here’s what they say:
"By midnight we had reached the point in the bike path where the freeway overpass crosses, and decided to go sit at the side of the estuary for a quick nip of scotch and a small celebration. Under the overpass, there was apparently a police staging area. As midnight rolled by, they lined up for a group photo, one of them looking kinda goofy, like a chorus girl. I yelled over 'Yoo hoo! Looking good, honey!' Someone came on over the cop loudspeaker and said 'Happy New Year!' A strange little truce with the man at the passing of the old year. Must be gettin' soft in the head."
Course, technically speaking, they were sat at midnight, so the Car Buster's team have decided the winners are the CHUNK 666ers. If you guys want to come and claim your hearty round of kisses, the prize is yours!
| Copyright 2003 Megulon Five <megulon5@dclxvi.org>. |
|
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License. | Last modified 9 October 2001. |